does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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