im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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