You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
