I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
