I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
