She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
