just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My life is pants optional.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
