Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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