sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
