I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
