Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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