I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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