It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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