so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
