im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
