Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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