We won't sleep together?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
