did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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