I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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