I think I am morally bankrupt
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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