Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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