The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
