She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
