youre lurking in front of me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
