I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
