I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
