I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
