Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
