I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
