i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize