She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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