All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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