I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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