Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
