She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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