I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
