I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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