shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.