I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
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just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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