i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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