someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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