i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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