Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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