Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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