the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
