I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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