you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
