i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Four minutes until I can fart!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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