May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
