That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
