she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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