I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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