I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
