Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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