Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
