you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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