i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
