So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
